My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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