Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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