Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
what day is it and did you see me today?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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