I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
