Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
