how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
