I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
