Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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