you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
