we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
