if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..