quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
