Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I didn't shave. On purpose
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?