i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
