Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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