yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
