Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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