I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
