How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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