i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Found your dick twin last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
