I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
