get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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