Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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