Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
