I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
