Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
