if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
