Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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