I wish I could teleport
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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