So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
