Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
