We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
