Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
