I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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