You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
