it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
