Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
