You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
