hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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