when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
