morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
