My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
They have beer where we have blood.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
