My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I cannot find my penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
