I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
