hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
