life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Naked Twister starts at high noon
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
