he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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