theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drake has all the answers
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
