My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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