Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
