Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
