she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
