drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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