The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
