Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
