I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
