No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
