You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
