im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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