I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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